Again I ask, "What do you do when you are the wave that washes to and fro?"
I am that wave. It has taken me years to out right admit to myself what I am. I am the wave that washes to and fro. I am inconsistent. I am undisciplined. I lack continued focus.
For me to accomplish any task requires daily, hourly, minute to minute motivation. I am a self starter. But finishing something has always been a mirage. The moment it's time for me to do something that I've been waiting to do I am stalled by thoughts of every other thing I've ever wanted to do. So far the only constant is food. It is perfect. It's the one area where I can desire, visualize, plan, execute, and reap the rewards of on any given day. Instant gratification, and satisfaction. Always looking forward to doing it again...cooking. Food is the only thing I've purposely had day to day focus. It means something to me.
I am dangerous in the mornings. Dangerous when I'm alone. Dangerous when I'm driving to and from work, with no radio playing, alone with my thoughts. Thinking out loud. Having conversations with myself, that I may never have with anyone else. Because I've already seen the outcome, and it goes nowhere.
This post is short, but I've spent the last hour looking at this screen. It takes an hour to not say everything I'm thinking. How does anyone have one thought at a time. For every sentence I wrote, there's ten I didn't. I feel my sister giving me this look that says "If you don't finish one comprehensible complete thought I will shake you and walk away."
But I never said I was going to make sense. Just thinking out loud. #talkingtomyself
